ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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