i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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