Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize