You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
