So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need to align my fucking chakras
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
