Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
