yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
