I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
