dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I will pee on everything he values.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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