i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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