there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
