If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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