In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
There's even glitter on my cock...
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