he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
