So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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