Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
