Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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