Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
