I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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