You're so nebulous sometimes
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
