Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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