I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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