Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
17 year olds will be the death of me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
