i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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