i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
