We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
