i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
