It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
