Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
