and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
