I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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