A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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