Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
