why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
