I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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