my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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