Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
