i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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