I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize