i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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