Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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