Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
