What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
