before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
