Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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