thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
