I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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