If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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