You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
