I intend to get homeless drunk
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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