Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
