Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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