Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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