Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
