Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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