His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
