and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize