I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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