she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
