my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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